Herman Cain: Cockbag supreme with extra mushrooms

 

If you've been following the news, you've no doubt heard of Herman Cain and his 9-9-9 tax plan proposal.

 cockbag

There's a lot to like about Cain. He's a self-made man, who came from dirt-poor beginnings to become CEO of Godfather's Pizza. It's a true rags-to-riches story.

He's also pretty funny at times. Sometimes it's not clear if he means to be, though. At a speech in August he ended by saying, "A poet once said, 'life can be a challenge, life can seem impossible, but it's never easy when there's so much on the line." Problem is that line didn't come from a poet, or Donna Summers as some suggested. It was from "Pokemon," the popular, annoying cartoon that makes kids spend all their parents money.

But what he's getting most attention for these days, is his 9-9-9 plan to reset the tax code.

OK, resetting tax code is a great idea. Resetting it to benefit mostly your rich friends: Not so cool, Herman.

Slingin' pepperoni and running countries

Here's how it would work.

Cain’s 9-9-9 plan eliminates the existing tax code and replaces it with a 9% tax on personal income, a 9% business tax, and a 9% national sales tax. Under his plan there is no estate tax, no payroll tax, no tax on capital gains, no death tax, and no deductions, except for charitable contributions.

So what does that mean? Well, everyone is equal, right?

 

No, look at that last line. Who does that benefit the most? It's probably not you.

 

Analysis after analysis has shown that the 9-9-9 plan will do more to alleviate tax burden on the rich than on the poor. It will be better for large corporations while shunning small business. One of the big reasons why? Corporations, whether they are people or not, don't buy groceries, they don't buy gas, they don't buy clothes for little Billy and Suzie going back to school. People do. You do. Not corporations. And the poorest person has to buy just as much gas, probably more, as Joe Wall Street. A larger proportion of what poorer people make will end up back in the government's pockets because we all have to buy these goods. So even right down to individuals, the balance is way off.

On Friday, Cain while speaking to a crowd in Detroit, suggested a couple of changes to his 9-9-9 plan, one that would give businesses operating in "opportunity zones" breaks and exemptions for people living below the poverty line. But you can't just pander to a a crowd in Detroit one day and tell the rest of the world something else two days before. Is he going to go to Iowa next and tell people about the great corn-growing exemption?

Taxes will go up, but pizza will be tax deductable

What no one is saying, though, is that this plan is a job killer.

Cain has pointed out that used items will not be taxed. So, I ask, why buy new?

Why are American businesses going to hire new people, to make new products that people aren't buying because the taxes are so much higher when they can go get something similar on eBay.

 

 * If Cain gains the GOP nod for president, by the way, I am buying stock in eBay. And I'm not kidding. I looked it up, only $32 share right now. Maybe I can become a rich person and rant about myself one day. I suggest you do the same.

 The fact is, Cain knows his plan benefits the rich and shuns the poor, and he's still pushing it, just showing that as president he'll do anything he can to retain his share of the financial pizza pie, all the while handing you a big slice that says "FU!"

-Wes

www.mangledmind.com

Click our like button to the right and get your weekly dose of cockbag.

Phoenix Jones and the Rain City Superzero Movement

Role Models?  I hope not

We have all seen them, and come to love them.  I'm talking about superhero movies.  There is nothing like watching the X-men thwart an evildoers scheme to destroy the human race, or seeing Superman save the planet on the silver screen.  No matter how amazing these movies get, it inspires hordes of impressionable kids to somehow believe they can fight crime.  For this week's Cockbag of the Week,  we have chose a group of these "real life superheroes" based out of Seattle, The Rain City Superhero Movement and most notably, their leader, Phoenix Jones, wins the nod as this week's cockbag.

Phoenix Jones, nice light, cockbag

The Rain City Superhero Movement, or RCSM for short, is a group of ten misguided youths, that dress up in costumes and patrol the streets of Seattle every night, with the hopes of stopping evil doers from terrorizing it's population.  With names like Red Dragon and Thunder 88, they take to the streets, armed not with super strength, nor blades protruding from their knuckles, but with stun guns and pepper spray.  Crime has no chance, as long as criminals don't carry guns.  Instead of joining the police academy or signing up for community watch, they choose to dress like Mortal Kombat characters, and put their "super" noses where they don't belong.  On further investigation, I found that there are believed to be more than 200 of these supers in action across the USA.  Go to www.reallifesuperheroes.org for a database of these crazies, there are some great pictures and hours of laughs.  Maybe their hearts are in the right place, but their brains are definitely not.

The super couple, Scorpion and Milenna

RCSM's leader, Phoenix "Guardian of Seattle" Jones, has made it in the news this past week by squirting his super pepper spray into a group of party goers this past Sunday evening.  He claimed he was trying to break up a fight, but Jones was soon after arrested and brought to jail.  The police claim that the group he sprayed was just having a good time.  (I don't remember Batman ever getting arrested)  In a post-arraignment press conference, Jones unmasked and was identified as Benjamin Fodor.  It turns out that he is married to another self-proclaimed hero, Purplereign.  I bet their kids will be deadly with a can of mace.  Fighting crime as a family?  Maybe not, but dressing up for for Halloween is probably a breeze at the Fodor household.  They should leave the crime fighting to the police and focus on taking care of their kids before they are turned to orphans.

My costume will be something like this

It's time for me to go. I've got beer to to drink and my own super suit to make.  The streets of NC will be as safe as ever once Fatman breaks into the crime fighting business.  I would like to thank the RCSM for the laughs but ask them to remember that a Heroic cockbag is still a cockbag nonetheless.

Later Fools,
Zac
www.mangledmind.com

If you wants to get our weekly cockbag in your email, please sign up below, or click our like button to the right.  Your comments are always welcomed.



The cockinator: Arnold Schwarzenegger

We all have egos. I know mine can get out of hand sometimes. But if I opened a museum dedicated to myself today and placed in front a large bronze statue with an overemphasized ... ahem, package that I myself had commissioned, well I'd only be the second person to do so. Arnold "The Ex-Governorator" Schwarzenegger was on hand for a blustery morning dedication of his museum to himself at this boyhood home in Austria.

Look at those ... ... ... veins

Perhaps for the same reason Germans hold David Hasselhoff to a higher stature, Austrians claim Schwarzenegger as their favorite son, their most famous of celebrities. But, frankly after Adolf, most anybody would do.

To his credit, Arnold has made the most of his humble beginnings and body-building roots. If you've watched much footage of Arnold, he will tell you that very fact ... multiple times. Back then in Austria, who would have thought he would one day grope women of all cultures on all continents of the world? Amazing story, really.

That's why if you visit this mecca of all things Arnold you'll find life-sized "Terminator" models, the desk he sat behind as California's governor (because we all know how successful that little venture was) and even his first barbell. Among the stranger items are the many pictures of Maria Shriver. You know, that's his soon-to-be ex-wife to whom he owes his entire political career, who's leaving him after it was found out that he got the maid pregnant?

This is important because Arnold is billing this museum as an inspiration for young people.

In his defense, I'm guessing the Shriver photos took the place of the "Jingle All the Way" memorabilia. A little infidelity still isn't as bad as that crap of a movie.



Arnold is in fact numero uno



Another issue comes with the humble roots story. Arnold, that's a pretty nice house. I don't want to ruin the picture everyone has, but that's a decent pad even by today's standards.

Still, it's fair to say, he's come a long way.

"My personal success has less to do with millions of dollars or with the headlines in the media that are not always positive and also not with being clapped on the shoulder by Barack Obama and other world names," Schwarzenegger said. "Personal success is the result of determination, hard work and stubbornness."

"For me, this is not only a museum, It is also a symbol of will ... everyone has a chance."

It' a great message, but not about a great person. He's an OK guy, fallible as the rest of us, maybe even a little more so. He just had big muscles. And he was an entertaining action star. Who doesn't like Conan, for goodness sakes?

But to commission statues of yourself ... Oh, you caught that? That sneaky "s"? Yes, statues ... plural. The statue out front of the museum he is dedicating to himself, well the're not unique. There are several. Perhaps these statues have been sent back from the future to teach present-day humans of the coming triumphs of Arnold. No? He just bought them? Well, never mind.

And that goes to my point: How full of yourself do you really have to be?

If there's praise to be given, let it be by someone else. That's the way it works for the rest of the world.

But, Arnold, don't despair that you have no awards of note to fill your newly dedicated "me" museum. Take pride in being named this week's Cockbag of the Week. You've earned it, and I'm sure you'll be back.

- Wes

P.S. I still love "Last Action Hero"

For more images of that crap museum go to

http://photoblog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/10/07/8205762-museum-to-myself-arnold-schwarzeneggers-childhood-home-dedicated

For more cockbags, follow Mangled Mind on Twitter or Facebook, links are to the right

For the stupidest shirts around, visit www.mangledmind.com